you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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