we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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