I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
