So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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