I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
