mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
