I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
