don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
