My Higher Power is John Stamos
i love accidental penises.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
