if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
