She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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