just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
