the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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