The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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