apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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