im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
