i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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