So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
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I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
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I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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