On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
