the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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