I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
