i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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