So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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