Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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