So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
