So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
