cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
pray to the hookup gods
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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