I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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