Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
