When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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