I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
