We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We had to coat check the pizza.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
