I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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