dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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