Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Couch. On fire.
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