i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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