So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
