i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
