I'm lost and stupid without you.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
