whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
