Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
