my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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