I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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