Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
