They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
