I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
