and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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