remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
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