My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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