Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
