I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
