areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
