Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
