Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
