You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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