I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
