Christians are straight up FREAKS
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
