Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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