Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
