So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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